Video: Romance is NOT a Test! (or is it?)

Video: Romance is NOT a Test! (or is it?)

She wants him to WOW her on Valentine’s Day and he’s feeling pressured. Can you relate? What would you do? Let’s get real about love and romance.


Tom from Boise writes:

Dear Coaches, Well, it’s Valentine’s Day again and my wife is a fanatic about me making Valentine’s a big, romantic event for her.  Every year I have to come up with something special.  I feel pressured because if it doesn’t fit her fantasy she thinks I don’t really love her.  It feels like I’m taking a test.”

So Tom is feeling really pressured to deliver a WOW experience to his wife for Valentine’s Day.  It seems like that’s what she expects and he’s actually agreed to give her that and  he doesn’t really know exactly what that looks like for her.  And I’m not quite sure Tom really wants to do this, but obviously he wants to please his wife and make her happy, and I’m a guy so I know, you do what it takes to make your wife happy, so really,  I relate to Tom.  I sympathize.  But there’s one thing I know, here’s the truth, one truth about relationships, which is that relationships and romance are a two-way street.

So, my question for Tom is, Tom, what do you really want?  Would you rather have a two-way street or is this okay with you where your wife expects you to deliver a wow experience and you take that on as your job?  Well, it sounds like that’s not what he wants because otherwise he wouldn’t have written in.

So, I think what he really wants is to make his wife happy.  And I think he does want a romantic, wow experience on Valentine’s Day.  However, he probably doesn’t want to be the one to deliver it.  Right, or the one to have to figure the whole thing out by himself.  Well, that’s a burden, that is a lot of pressure.  So, if I were Tom and this wasn’t working for me, here’s what I might say:

“So honey, I really want to make you happy on Valentine’s Day.  I love you.  You are the love of my life and in the past I’ve taken it on to create the experience for you, to wow you and it’s starting to feel like a lot of pressure and like I’m taking a test and, you know.  I would really just, really appreciate it and I would love it if we could plan it together and we can brainstorm and you tell me what make you happy and I would add my own ideas and we would do it as a team.  And I can still surprise you, you know, I know you like surprises but to have it all on my shoulders, it’s starting to feel like it’s too much.”

So, what do you think Tom?   Could you do that? Is that your truth?  Maybe you feel little differently, but that can be an example of what you might do.

So Tom, what do you think the risk might be if you told your truth to your wife?  Your wife could be really mad at you.  She might think you ruined her Valentine’s Day.  You don’t love her.  Also, if you tell your truth, that could change a pattern in your relationship that ends up breaking up the relationship because it’s not okay for you to have your truth.  It’s all about her.  But, I am hopeful that if you tell your truth that she’ll listen to you, that she’ll be responsive to you, that she’ll loves you and cares about you and she wants you to be happy as well.  So, the rewards if you tell your truth is that you will get your wants and needs met in the relationship is well, that you’ll feel loved, that Valentine’s Day will be a shared experience rather than one in which you have to perform.

So Tom, we wish you very well.  Have a great Valentine’s Day.

And if you’re watching this and you have any ideas for Tom, any feedback, please do put your comment in the comment box below.  Thanks for joining us. Bye.