His wife gained 50 lbs since their marriage and he’s not physically or sexually attracted to her anymore. What should he do?
Tony from Rohnert Park writes: I’m an active, fit guy and when I married my wife she was too. But over time she lost interest in fitness and has gained 50 pounds. She’s the same woman I fell in love with but I’m no longer physically or sexually attracted to her. What should I do?
Tony, all husbands have to deal with their wives’ changing body. You have kids. Pregnancy is a big deal on a woman’s body, you know, us guys don’t have to go through that. Now, aging, everybody gets older. Our body changes as we age. Illness, hormones, so our bodies do change. So just as you, and all husbands, have to deal with your wife’s changing body, all wives have to deal with their husbands’ changing body as well. So, you may be sad that you lost your fitness buddy, but the reality is that over time your lifestyle changes.
So Tony, let’s get real. In the beginning when a relationship is young, desire and attraction comes easy. But over time you really need to work at it.
It’s normal for desire to wane and decrease. The change in attraction to your wife, it might not be just about the weight. It just might be that when you’re with the same person over time, the level of attraction and level of desire just naturally starts to decrease. You habituate to each other. You get used to each other. It’s the same woman in your bed over and over and over again. It’s a wonder we stay with the same woman for as long that we do, but there’s a reason that we do and we’ll get into that. So it is normal for desire to decrease and not be as easy and as strong as it was in the beginning, so it might not necessarily be about her weight or just about her weight.
But the good news is, desire isn’t always correlated with arousal. So you can still have a great sex life even if the desire isn’t there.
So, just think about this, even though your wife is 50 pounds heavier, if she were to touch you in a certain way or approach you in a certain way, you’ll get aroused. Chances are, even if you’re not feeling attracted to her in one minute, you would be quite aroused and ready to have a good time with her the next minute. So, that’s what we mean by desire is not correlated with arousal. You can feel zero desire and still have a great sex life, and still have great arousal and great sexual experiences and great climax and all that good stuff. It also goes the other way, in fact it’s even more important for most men the other way, is that even when the wife doesn’t feel in the mood, doesn’t feel the desire, she, with a little bit of effort on the guy’s part, can become aroused, and we talk about that on our Radical Sex program. Desire and arousal are not correlated. I know, ’cause I’m a guy, you can be quite aroused with just about any woman including your wife. What?! Well, I’m just making a point! We’ll have to talk about that later.
So, here’s some strategies to consider: first is adopt an attitude that you choose to focus on what does attract you to your wife, not what doesn’t.
And increase the level of intimacy in your relationship. Here’s the thing, the more emotional intimacy, the more desire. The closeness you feel emotionally, the more attracted, the closer, the stronger the bond that you guys have, it won’t matter what her weight is. Trust us with that.
So we have a couple of resources that you might be interested in, and the first is our Radical Intimacy program.
Radical Intimacy is about developing the closeness with your partner that you really want. Sometimes the relationship can work and be close and it seems effortless, you don’t have to work at it at all. Most of the time you need to put a little effort into a relationship working well. Radical Intimacy is about going as deep and as far as you want to have the closeness and intimate relationship that you want.
The Radical Sex program; same thing, sex happens in relationships quite naturally. However, to create a sexual relationship that you really want, chances are it will take a little bit of effort and a little bit of strategy and some ideas, and we can all learn a few things; that’s actually the fun of a long-term, committed relationship, is learning those things and practicing them together over time.
So, please take a look at Radical Intimacy and Radical Sex and if you’re watching this video, if you have an idea or suggestion or comment for Tony, please put it in the comment box below and let’s help him regain his desire for his wife.
And please do remember that telling the truth has consequences. It’s the only way to have a really fulfilling relationship, but not all relationships can handle the truth. So if this is your situation, please do get the support you need from a qualified therapist, counselor, or coach. No one is successful alone and just a little bit of support can go a long way in helping you live happily ever after.
Thanks for watching and bye for now!