They’ve been together four years and he just broke up with her. She loves him and wants to be with him. How can she get him back? In this episode we break the rules to get real and help.
Leslie from Los Angeles writes: “I’ve been living with this guy for 4 years. I feel like I really love him but he says he doesn’t love me the way I love him. We’ve just separated. Is there anything I can do to get him back? Will coaching a counseling help if we’re not married?”
Leslie, 4 years is a long time to be with someone, and you’re clearly attached, and we know you’re hurting. So the good news is counseling or coaching can help even if you aren’t married. But the difficult news is, that the help that you may need is not to save the relationship, but to help you to move on.
So, Leslie you’re attached, which means that you’re attached to him, you’re attached to the relationship. It’s not necessarily what you want. He’s not into you. You probably want somebody that’s into you. But, let’s just talk about the role of attachment for just a little bit. We get attached to anything. We get attached to our favorite food, like ice cream. We get attached to our car. We get attached to our favorite pair of pants, you know. So, we get attached to people. We get attached to relationships. So, you are attached, but it’s not the same as love.
So, Leslie let’s get real. We’re gonna break our own rule and we’re gonna give you some advice. Don’t try to get him back. He’s not into you, trying to change that will just bring you unhappiness and misery. Don’t do it.
There you go, we broke our rule. So, breaking up is really hard to do, we know that. And people get attached and really don’t want to move on. For a relationship to be a match, it has to work for both people. If your former boyfriend recognizes that you aren’t the one for him, he’s giving you a gift by letting you go. You absolutely deserve to be with someone who loves you deeply. Now you’re available to find that person.
Likely, you’re afraid to let go. You know it’s normal not to want to be alone, we’re really social beings. Well, what do you really afraid of? That no one else will love you? That you won’t find anyone else and you’ll be alone for the rest of your life? These sound like unrealistic fears but they are unconscious and very common. So ask yourself, if you were 100% sure, it was absolutely guaranteed that you would find someone who is perfect for you in one month, would it be a problem to move on? I bet not.
So, Leslie some strategies for you to consider is, first, get the support you need. You clearly need support at this point. It is really, really hard. Breaking up is hard to do, it’s probably the hardest thing in life, no less relationships.
So, we recommend that you get a break-up buddy. A break-up buddy is a friend, a trusted friend who can support you in your goal of breaking-up and letting go of this person and changing your life. And somebody that you can call when you’re feeling the need for some support. So, rather than reaching out to your ex-boyfriend, you would call your break-up buddy. And your break-up buddy will help you move on socially and hang out with single friends, so we highly recommend getting a break-up buddy as a way to move on from a relationship.
And, we highly recommend, in fact we broke our rule for you in not giving advice, we highly recommend that you accept reality.
The reality is your ex-boyfriend is not just into you, doesn’t want to be with you. You need to make a conscious decision to move on. When we make choices, we are also choosing the consequences of those choices. Sp, if you try to get him back, chances are you would be miserable. It wouldn’t be what you wanted it to be. But by trying to get him back when he doesn’t really want you, you are choosing those consequences. Moving on, starting a new life, planning a new relationship, raises the possibility that you can get what you really want. So in moving on, you are choosing those consequences. We need to accept reality, make a conscious decision in alignment with our desired consequences.
So Leslie, we really, really do hope this is helpful to you, and that you’ll be able to move on and find the love of your life. So, if you’re watching this and you have an idea, a suggestion or comment for Leslie, please enter it in the comment box below and let’s help her to feel good about accepting reality and moving on.
And please do remember that telling the truth has consequences. It’s the only way to have a fulfilling relationship but not all relationships can handle the truth. So, if this is your situation, please do get the support you need from a qualified therapist, counselor, or coach. No one is successful alone, and just a little bit of support can go a long way in helping you live happily ever after.
So, thanks for watching and bye for now!