He loves her and she says the sex is great and she loves him but not for the long term. He’s confused and doesn’t understand why she won’t commit. What should he do?
Ed from Portland writes: “I’ve been dating this woman for over a year and I’m ready to make commitment. She says that I don’t meet her long-term requirements but she doesn’t want to stop seeing me. She says she loves me and our sex is the best she’s ever had so I just don’t get it. I think by now she should be ready to make a commitment. Neither one of us are spring chickens. What do you think?”
So Ed, I really sympathize because you love this woman, she said she loves you. It makes all the sense in the world that this relationship should work and you guys should be together and it makes no sense why she would say “I love you and I want to be with you but this isn’t long-term.”
But, you’ve got to wake up and smell the coffee. Ed, you’re being used because she’s getting what she wants, the relationship works for her just the way it is and it doesn’t work for you. It’s not what you really want, so you are allowing yourself to be used.
People use people all the time. It’s not necessarily bad to get what we need out of every relationship or any situation, but the thing is, this isn’t really working for you.
This isn’t the kind of relationship that you’re looking for and you’re allowing it to happen. The interesting thing is that you are both clear on what you want. You are clear that you want a long-term, committed relationship. You love her and you want her to be the one. But she’s clear that she loves you and the sex is great but it’s not long-term for her. She’s being honest, she’s being open, and so it’s not a bad thing all by itself, it’s only bad if, it doesn’t meet your requirements. That’s what we call them, requirements. It’s what you must have for the relationship to work for you.
Now, maybe you can adjust and let go of it and say, “Well you know, we’re not spring chickens. Let’s live for the moment. We don’t know what’s gonna happen tomorrow.” This is perfectly okay and fine as it is, but can you make that shift? Are you willing to make that shift? Do you want to make that shift?
If it’s a requirement, it’s really hard to make that shift. It’s almost impossible. It’s part of who you are. I would not want you to give up who you are for your relationship to work.
It sounds like you want her to change, but really, you have to assume that’s not gonna happen that she’s gonna still want to just live for the moment and that you’re not gonna be the long-term choice for her. The thing is, she has the relationship that she wants on her terms. You’re going along with it because you love her. Maybe you like the sex too, but you’re not getting your needs met, you’re not getting your requirements met, and you want her to change.
And it is absolutely dangerous to expect or want somebody to change for a relationship to work for you. Generally, it doesn’t work out.
So, what can you do about this?
Well, the first thing is that you could acknowledge the reality of the relationship, and we think that you need to choose between these two options. The first, stay with her right now and just enjoy the time that you have together and some of that great sex. The other option you have is to choose to leave the relationship now and by doing so you’re gonna be free to find the love of your life. There’s somebody out there that also wants to have a relationship with you and while you’re with her you’re not going to be free to find the real love of your life.
So Ed, please do get this. If you aren’t the right person for her, then she is not the right person for you. You absolutely deserve to have a partner that believes 100% that you are the love of their life, that you are the one for her, and at the same time that you want that person in your life and you’re looking for that person in your life, there is somebody out there that is looking for you that wants that as well. And they can’t, they’re looking for you but since you’re in this relationship right now you’re not out there searching for them. They can’t find you!
So Ed, very good luck with that. I hope this has been helpful to you. You really do have two choices. One, stay in the relationship. Accept it for exactly what it is. Or get out of it to go after what you really want.
If you’re watching this video and you have an idea or suggestion or a comment for Ed, please put it in the comment box below, and let’s help Ed deal with the reality that he’s being used in this relationship.
And please do remember that telling the truth has consequences. It’s the only way really to have a fulfilling relationship, but not all relationships can handle the truth.
So if this is your situation please do get the support you need from a qualified therapist, counselor, or coach. No one is successful alone and just a little bit of support can go a long way in helping you live happily ever after.