What do you do when your marriage is stale and boring? Divorce? Affair? Let’s get real about how to spice up a boring relationship.
Jennifer from Fort Lauderdale writes:”My husband and I have been married for 17 years and our marriage has grown stale. We don’t fight or anything, we just don’t seem to enjoy each other anymore. We have nothing to talk about and it’s boring. I’ve been thinking about divorcing him or maybe having an affair. We have two wonderful children. Most people think we are a great couple. So I’m wondering if maybe I’m going through a midlife crisis or something. Is that what marriage is all about? Am I thinking about doing something that I’ll regret later?
Well, it sounds like Jennifer is quite bored in her relationship and what she wants is an exciting relationship. Well that makes sense. So, what does that mean now, I mean, what does she really want? Likely, what she’s missing, what she really tells is she wants love and connection, some companionship, and probably some fun. She’s probably missing those things.
Let’s get real Jennifer. If you’re bored, what are you doing about it? What have you done to create a situation? What are you doing to make the situation any different? It really does sound like, I might be wrong, I might be reading the wrong thing here, but it really does sound like that the relationship is the way it is and has nothing to do with you, and you want it to be better, and you don’t see, you know, what you can do to make it better. Well, in my opinion, the solution is totally up to you. It’s totally in your lap because we all need to take responsibility for our outcomes in the relationship. There’s something that we need, something that we want, if there’s a problem or issues that we have, we need to take care of that. We need to do something about it. Otherwise, you’re basically just complaining. And I would really want to support you, instead of complaining, to, you know, take action and do something about it. Having an affair with somebody else will not solve the problem of your stale marriage. You know, probably not. It might make the marriage situation in your life worse. So, what could she do?
Well, here’s a radical solution I’d like to propose to you. I think you should have an affair. But I think you should have that affair with your husband. So, what do I mean by that? I think you should kind of like start over with him. Pretend like he is somebody you just met, and somebody you found attractive. What would you really do? You know, how would you be with that new person? And what would you share with him? And what would you be willing to do? So, for example, if you met this person that was really attractive, and he said, “Ah, Let’s go bowling!” You might not even really think bowling is a great thing but I bet you would go bowling if it was a new relationship. You know, you can try different things you know, why not experience different things and you cheer a lot with that person. And I’m gonna guess that you’re just not doing that with your husband. So, that would be one of my recommendations, you know, why not have an affair with your husband?
It sounds shocking to have an affair, but if you’re doing it with your husband, it’s okay, and all the energy, and all the creativity, and all the attention that you might put into somebody else, exactly, put that in your marriage. And you know another thing, I’m a big believer in intimacy in a relationship. Intimacy is where you share what’s going on with you and what you want, and what you need, and what your thoughts and feelings are, you know, with your partner, and they do the same with you. And the deeper the level of intimacy you have, the more fulfilling the relationship is, in my opinion. It’s almost impossible to have a stale, boring relationship if you have an intimate relationship.
So that might be where you might want to start, and we have this great program in Radical Relationships called Radical Intimacy that we would like you to check out.
Jennifer, best of luck to you. Please do talk with your husband, have an affair with your husband. Check out the Radical Relationship Program on Radical Intimacy and work at having a closer connection, a deeper connection, be more intimate with your husband and you will find, I bet, that he becomes the most exciting guy in the world to you. So, bye for now.