What is Jealousy and Why Do So Many Struggle With It?
Jealousy comes from fear.
Fear of losing our partner, fear of someone else having a better connection with our partner. It stems from being insecure about yourself, insecure about your relationship or the need to control. None of which results in a pretty picture. It just simply can ruin your relationship.
I recently got a question from a reader named Angie:
“Me and my boyfriend have a lot of ups and downs and we fight a lot because of jealousy, I feel like this will destroy our relationship… We are a very happy couple but when we fight we are not ourselves. What can we do to stop fighting a lot and control our jealousy? I get mad when he is with a friend that is a girl and he gets mad when my bestfriend guy hugs me. How can we stop this?”
Let’s take a good look at feeling insecure about yourself. This can be a conscious thought or it can be unconscious. We often find ourselves comparing ourselves to others and believing that our partner would find someone else more attractive. Remember, your partner is with you and chose you, don’t start comparing yourselves to others. There are always going to be better-looking, smarter, funnier, richer or whatever people out there. We will always be in a losing situation if we continue to dwell on how we don’t measure up.
Then there is being insecure about the relationship. I have found that most couples if they feel secure in their relationship, the jealousy often fades away. There are a couple of key elements here. First of all, make an effort to strengthen the relationship. Instead of worrying about what your partner is thinking of someone else, build up the fondness and admiration between the two of you.
This may sound over simplified for some but just START believing your partner. (I am not talking here about a partner that is actually cheating and you have proof of that), but….Yes, take them at their word. If they do lie to you, then they are not making a fool out of anyone but themselves – remember that.
It’s been said that trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. It’s very insulting for your partner to have you always doubting their word or their actions. Constant questioning by you can even be as destructive as having an affair in the long run.
You’ll still distrust your partner for a while (out of sheer habit), but find the strength to start acting as if you believe them. If you have been constantly checking on them, STOP. When they tell you they love you, believe them.
Do not confuse imagination with reality. Your partner is home later than they should be and your mind starts jumping to conclusions, such as “They went out drinking” “They are out with another person”……. Imagination can be our worst enemy.
Also, do not let your past come back to haunt you. Each relationship has it’s own merits and comparing your current partner to your cheating ex isn’t fair.
Now about the need to control. YOU do not own your partner. In fact, the tighter you hold on to them, the more they are going to want time away from you. If they want to spend time with their friends for a night out…let them go. If you are out, let them talk to their attractive colleague. Remember, they might not find that colleague as attractive as you have IMAGINED THEY DO. If you don’t freak out every time you feel threatened, you may quickly see and prove to yourself that you have nothing to worry about.
So in review:
- Work on your self-esteem and realize that there will always be someoneout there that will be more of the things you want to be, but your partner LOVES YOU.
- Make sure your relationship is strong on its own.
- Believe your partner.
- Don’t confuse imagination with reality andlet your past haunt you.
- Loosen the leash a little – give your partner the opportunity to show you that you have nothing to worry about.
What if you do these things and your biggest fear comes true and you do lose your partner. Then you know that they were not the right one for you. That may be a hard pill to swallow, I know. They are going to be that person whether it is with your or someone else. They probably are not cheating because of anything that has anything to do with you, it is who they are. Time to move on and find someone who is worthy of your love!
If this is an issue that you feel that you need support with, please do not hesitate to contact me.
I am passionate about helping singles and couples find the skills and ability to have the relationship they have always dreamed about.